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Konrad Werner: Stop pretending Merkel is soft on refugees

Merkel hasn't suddenly found a heart and gone mad. And she's not being "unrealistic" about the refugee crisis. She's just doing what she always does – protecting Germany's economy. Oh, and deciding not...

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Konrad Werner: Mayor Müller's cynical Tempelhof trick

Mayor Müller says sorry but he's going to have to build on that prime bit of lush, much-loved park land at Tempelhof airport after all. Because of refugees.

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Konrad Werner: Who's really in charge?

We now know that the BND is just as uncontrolled and unaccountable as the NSA. And Angela Merkel's administration seems to have no idea what's going on.

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Konrad Werner: The worst war on terror ever

After the shock of Paris, it looked for about 10 seconds like the world was actually gonna fight ISIS. Ha! Fat chance. You might have forgotten that our leaders have important dick-swinging...

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Konrad Werner: Refugees Welcome... to Berlin's admin hell

The refugee crisis is not really a refugee crisis – it's a local authority crisis. Especially in Berlin, where all the mismanagement and inefficiency and underfunding are being exposed by the fact that...

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Konrad Werner: More heartless bastards stand up for refugees

You're never gonna beat the racists by saying that Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus were refugees (they weren't anyway). As every real Christian knows, there's only one thing that can win our hearts at...

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Konrad Werner: The German media is feminist all of a sudden

You might not have noticed until now, but Focus magazine and the CSU are totally feminist and always were. So weird you never noticed.

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Konrad Werner: The government keeps letting VW poison everyone

There's new news in the VW scandal: 1) An insider said the test cheating was an open secret. 2) US VW owners will get compensation, but EU owners won't. And the German government has still not said...

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Konrad Werner: The TTIP Meisters don't trust you with the knowledge

Today the Economy Ministry opened its special TTIP reading room. But anyone who goes in there must never speak of what they have seen, for God (i.e. the USA) will be angry and he is a jealous God.

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Konrad Werner: Cash caps are for your own good, just don't ask why

Last week, the German Finance Ministry said it was thinking about ordering a €5000 cap on cash payments. They said it was for fighting crime and terrorism, because that's the easiest for you to...

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Konrad Werner: A really boring crisis

Overwhelmed? A new survey of Germany's local councils has found that only six percent are actually swamped with refugees. And the ones who are coping better are those that have social housing plans....

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Konrad Werner: Banning the NPD – what's the point?

Germany wants to ban the NPD again. You can see why, but in truth it wouldn't be worth it.

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Konrad Werner: Cheer up, it's bad but it's not that bad

Unless you think nationalist populism is an "alternative" for Germany (rather than what German people think all the time anyway), you might need some cheering up today. Here's Konrad to give it a try.

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Konrad Werner: A pretty fishy masterplan

Berlin has a new "masterplan" for integrating refugees. It costs €238,000 and the one person it integrated really well was an old party colleague of Mayor Michael Müller.

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Konrad Werner: Why is Germany ignoring the VW scandal?

Is Volkswagen a German company or not? You'd never think so from the way the media and politicians are treating the story.

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Konrad Werner: The refugee deal is immoral, but it might save Merkel

Today it begins: refugees from Greece are going to be mass deported back to Turkey. Well done Europe – a million people was all it took to wipe out all your post-World-War-II principles.

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Konrad Werner: So are we sure Erdogan doesn't fuck goats?

What's the point of living in a free country if you can't accuse foreign dictators of fucking goats?

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Konrad Werner: It's balls to the wall time for Michael Müller

Konrad is not completely clear on what that expression means, but it seems to fit the situation of Berlin's crabbed and awkward mayor.

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Konrad Werner: Tactical promotion for the AfD

If you can't beat the AfD... give them a job? I suppose that's where we are now. I guess with an election coming up there is little time to disguise your campaign ploys.

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Konrad Werner: The Heckler & Koch plot thickens

Prosecuting media outlets has become Germany's new favourite thing – after Böhmermann, public prosecutors have now started going after journalists who uncovered Heckler & Koch's illegal arms deal.

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